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The Auction Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW For something that neither of us wants just to prove that we can afford to waste more money. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] on today's show, bill's gonna show you one way to unroll a pipe down to a lake, I'm gonna visit braxton's marina, where we find glen busy at work, I'm gonna show you how to make a neat revolving sign out of a bed, and mike's gonna refinish some furniture for us. And now here's the man with the golden farm, my uncle, red green! Thank you very much. Thank you. As head of the international possum brotherhood chapter 11, it's my job to explain things and to make sense of what's going on up here, but sometimes that's just impossible. For example, my nephew harold. [ whirring ] ow! Old man sedgwick had an unusual day. It was garbage day there, and he had his garbage out. He had it separated into the cans and the paper and the rubber and the bottles and the glass and all the four major food groups. And he'd added to that an old broken-down two-legged milk stool he didn't need anymore, 'cause there are no more two-legged cows. And the garbagemen wouldn't take it, right? 'cause, like, they don't take furniture. I know that 'cause my parents tried to throw out my bed one time. Let me guess -- while you were still in it? No. No, no, it's a really cool bed, actually. You know, it's a baby carriage, and it's made out of plywood, and it has these baby huey stickers on it, you know. But when I turned 14, they thought it might affect me. Yeah, no kidding. Anyway, while old man sedgwick was bawling out the garbageman, a couple pulled over in one of them cars from the city -- tourists, you know. Oh, no, that's -- oh, old man sedgwick -- he's so rude to tourists. Well, he figures they're probably stopping to ask for directions. Before they can say anything, he tells them where to go. But in this case, they just wanted to buy his milk stool. They offered him 50 bucks for it. $50 for that rotten piece of little chair? Oh! Wa-a-a! He didn't take it, did he? No, got them up to $75. That -- that little milk stool, it's just -- it's rotten, and it's garbage. No, it isn't, harold. The garbagemen wouldn't take it. [ zip! ] if you see anything you like on this show, make me an offer. [ triangle and guitar playing ] ♪ oh, it looks like there's trouble brewing ♪ ♪ at campsite number 10 ♪ ♪ old man sedgwick is grilling a fish ♪ ♪ and his tent's on fire again ♪ ♪ ha ha ♪ ♪ the couple at number 15 ♪ ♪ their marriage has gone kaput ♪ ♪ I don't mind the shouting and swearing ♪ ♪ but their trailer bounced right on my foot ♪ ♪ there's gunfire off in the distance ♪ ♪ at campsite number 6 ♪ ♪ which proves what we knew all along ♪ ♪ that relatives and hunting don't mix ♪ ♪ so I'm packing up in the morning ♪ ♪ if I stayed, I'd be a lunatic ♪ ♪ 'cause all this shouting, swearing, and gunfire ♪ ♪ has made me unbelievably, incredibly homesick ♪ [ ducks quacking ] well, with old man sedgwick being able to sell that milk stool for a bucketful of money, I thought I'd use this week's "handyman corner" to show you how you can make a fortune from some of them priceless heirlooms you got sitting in your credenza or maybe lying at the bottom of a nearby ravine. You'd be amazed at what you can dig up, literally. I found this old oil lamp and, uh, this bear trap and this old red cart here, all of which I'd be willing to part with if the price was right -- like, say, more than zero. What I need, though, is something that's gonna catch the eye of passing tourists, something that's subtle and tasteful and can be seen from miles around, even in the bad weather. So we're gonna build ourselves a real fancy city-style rotating sign using these window boxes and this old bed frame. Now, the first thing you're gonna need is some pieces of pipe. [ door creaks ] [ metal clatters ] [ hissing ] all right, now, what I've ended up doing is actually taking these pieces of pipe right out of the system, but it doesn't matter. We got the water turned off most of the time of the year around here anyhow. Unless, uh... Well, you don't suppose these are gas pipes? Hard to tell with our water. [ hissing continues ] oh, well. We'll find out eventually. All right. Now, what you want to do is, uh, drill a hole in each end of your window box, and you want to thread the pipe down through like an axle. Now, to attach your axle and make it spin, you're gonna need four of them pulleys with a cable to run around them. Not as hard to find as you might think. [ grunting ] [ squeaking ] couple of clothes lines, and you're there. All right, now, you want to attach the pulleys to your pipes, and you want to attach the end of the pipes to the bed frame. Now, I would recommend that you weld them on there for strength and safety. Of course, the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape, works good, too. All right. Now what you want to do is, uh, put the bed up on its side... [ creaking ] [ grunts ] ...With the pulleys on top. I forgot to put the pulleys on. I'll get that later. You know what else you can do? Is cut pieces of plywood or cardboard or what have you and attach them on so you close off the open side. Then you got four different signs that you can make. I'm happy enough with the three-sided version. I'll tell you what -- the drivers will be so amazed, they'll veer off into the ditch, and then you can charge them for a service call. All right, let's paint. Or you can use a felt-tip marker. All right, I got my pulleys attached, I got my clothesline threaded all through, and I got all my signs painted on. So now when you want to display your different signs, you just pull on the ends of the clotheslines. Telling you, it's like drawing flies to a ship. [ creaking ] there's your "oil lamp." there's your "bear trap." there's your "red cart." [ creaking ] hang on. I'll get it. I'll get it. There we go. There we go. Now, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And remember about truth in advertising. Stay tuned. Bill's gonna combine plumbing with finger exercises, and we got a few more words from our resident ding-dong. [ grunts ] I want to talk to you teenagers about the way you dress. Let's make this clear. Plaid shirts and baggy pants are not grunge wear. They're lodge wear. We've been dressing like this since the invention of clothes, and we'll continue to dress like this long after you've abandoned it for some new fashion fad. And this brings me to my next point. You people are supposed to be rebelling against our generation, not copying it. Go get your own look -- tin-foil underwear or chicken wire or latex paint or whatever. I mean, it's embarrassing when a 40-year-old lodge member is mistaken for a 15-year-old girl -- embarrassing and dangerous. It's also a sad commentary on what today's 15-year-old girls are looking like. So I say get out of the flannel clothes and get into some sharp stuff now while you still got your youth and your looks. There's no point in dressing like a laundry hamper until you got the face and the body to go with it. I'll tell you, old man sedgwick getting 75 bucks for that milk stool's got us all thinking about how we've undervalued our possessions. I think we can sell them. You're not thinking of selling that, are you? What, this? No, no. I wouldn't part with that, harold. Mind you, if somebody offered me 300 bucks, I might change my mind. I figure $850 for this unit, and, uh, this guy's got to be worth at least $1,000, don't you think? Hey, hey, come on. This is just crass commercialism! You ought to be ashamed! And 5 cents will take this off my hands. You can't do that! You can't turn this place into an overpriced tourist trap. That'll ruin one of the main attractions of possum lake. Oh, harold, you're just jealous 'cause you don't have any worthless junk. All your stuff is new and valuable. I'm telling you, I'm gonna sell this for 300 bucks. You shouldn't be selling it at all. Yeah, you're right. Give me $200, I'll take it off the market. [ zip! ] well, probably have a busy day today. Here we are for this week's boating tip with glen braxton of braxton's marina. Thank you, red. This week's boating tip will be how to properly remove an outboard motor from a boat. So, uh, hop in, red. All righty. Where you going? Well, two guys in a boat, red, no life jackets -- I don't think so. Not with my health. Okay, now, the first thing you got to do, red, is you got to turn off the gas and unhook the tank. All right. There you go. Okay. Now what you got to do next, red, is you got to loosen off those little clamps there, but, uh, don't worry about that, 'cause I already did that in between dizzy spells. Oh, you must be exhausted, glen. Oh, you got to pace yourself, red. That's what I found out after having a heart attack. I'll tell you that. Uh-huh. Okay. So, now, uh, you know, haul her up out of there, red. You're not gonna help me? With my back? I don't care what you use. Quit your whining, red. One guy can lift a motor that size. Well, why does it have to be this guy? 'cause you're here. Oh, for pete's sake. Okay. Now just be care-- oh. [ chuckles ] I told you -- I was watching for that, red. See, there's a safety chain on there. That's so the motor don't fall in the water. You've got to watch that, red. You've got to -- that's it. Unhook it. Okay. Okay. Now just lift her up. [ grunts ] oh, be careful. That's big -- be careful, red. Don't scuff her. Don't scuff it up. Okay, that's good. Quit your whining, red. Exercise is a good thing, not a bad thing. Yeah. You stand still, I'll drop this right on your foot. Oh, no thanks. I just, uh -- what we got to do, got to get it up to the -- to my pickup. What? Well, yeah, it's my contribution to the big sale. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Geez, I hope you get lots of people up here, too. Lots of people mean lots of money. Well, how are we gonna get lots of people up here? Advertise, red -- flyers. And once you get them up here, better treat them right. That's the key. Treat them right, red. So, get going. Hurry up. Come on. Get up there. That's it. Come on. [ grunts ] it's not that heavy, red. Come on. It's "male call." [ bell ringing ] got a letter here from kevin from coeur d'alene, idaho, and kevin is writing from a correctional facility. Ah, cool! Okay, and, uh, he says, oh, "I've had to convert a lot of people "so that I could watch your show, and not an easy feat for a Friday night." [ chuckles ] well, kevin, uh, we appreciate your enthusiasm, but let me remind you that it's very dangerous to be forcing convicted criminals to be watching our program, all right? Uncle red, these aren't animals. These are just people who have made mistakes and are paying their debt to society. Yes, I know that, harold. And we don't want to interfere with that by putting these guys into a situation where violence becomes the only alternative. Huh? You read the letter. I mean, our other viewers, when the show comes on, they have choices. They can turn it off. They can switch the channel. They can throw their television set into a ravine if they care to do so. These guys are locked in a room with a tv set and an armed security guard, harold. Think about this show, eh? We're asking for trouble, don't you think? Yeah, but, I mean, if they like the show, they can continue watching it, right? Well, if they admit that, it's gonna delay their parole. Time to interfere with the laws of nature. Time for "adventures with bill." you okay there, bill? All right, that's the first one. That would momentum and inertia, um, equal and opposite reactions. Now, one of the laws of nature is that water will not go uphill, and bill wants to work against that using some sort of an electrical pump there and a pressure tank, and this is the inlet hose. He has me hook that up there, and he's gonna take the other end down to the lake. Now, apparently here, if the hose runs over a tree or over a ridge or something, the water doesn't run properly, so you got to keep her smooth and I guess get the rocks out of the way. Maybe be a little more careful where you put the rocks. Well, I let go of the hose, and I helped bill all the way down to the lake. Bill: Aah! Come on, now. Oh, my. There you go. You're gonna be in the lake soon, bill. There you go. You're on the right track. Hold on. That worked out real well. The other end's supposed to be still hooked up to the pump, so we come back, we redo that, and I don't use any clamps or anything. I use the handyman's secret weapon on that, much tighter and waterproof. And bill's gonna tie the foot valve on to a big -- bill, you've tied it to your wrist. That's gonna keep it on the bottom. So, bill's gonna be on the bottom for a few minutes, but -- so, there we go, and now we're about rea-- ooh. [ birds chirping ] take a little break there from my work. And we're all set to kind of plug her in now, 'cause we got the outside hooked up, and I just got to -- once I finish my break, we'll get right back to working. All right, thank you, bill. Change is good as a rest, I guess. Now we're going to, uh -- when we plug this thing in, the pump will start, the water will come up from the lake, go through the hose, and up into that big pressure tank there, and, uh, it goes out of the pressure tank into the garden hose. Bill's gonna use this to water the plants and so on that we may have at some point around the lodge. Yeah, bill. Okay, we understand. It comes out the end of the hose. Oh, man. All right, we're all set to go. I just plug her in. Didn't bother with a switch or anything. We're not made of money. I wouldn't look down there if I were you, bill. Water's gonna come up here, I think. Oh, no. Oh, no. No. No, I'm wrong about that. Bit of a hole in the pressure tank, I guess. I wouldn't -- that's hydro there, bill. Bill? I -- oh, oh! What was I thinking? My golly. Oh! Little after-kick with that stunt. Now he changed the plan totally and tried to work with nature rather than against it. Not gonna use electricity or a pump. We're gonna get water coming out the hose using one of the original forces of power -- gravity. Don't have to worry about running no electricity. Just got to worry about running out of gas. Stay tuned. Mike's gonna show us a new use for chains, and dalton donates a bunch of stuff that I would call "priceless." well, we're moving ahead with the great possum lake sale of collectibles and other stuff the garbagemen wouldn't take. You know, you never really know people until you see what they're willing to sell and for how much. And to whom. They're people from the city, harold -- people with money, people who see value in the things we have up here. There's basically nothing but junk up here. One man's junk is another man's antique, harold. And if someone thinks rust and dust turns trash into cash, who am I to argue? These people are a lot smarter than we are. So, you mean they have a lot more money than you do. Well, that's about to change, harold. Yeah. We sent out 10,000 of these invitations, and we're about to have the biggest auction possum lake has ever seen. 10,000 people are coming here? Wa-a-a! All loaded with disposable income, harold, just looking for that little nicknack that we probably got propping open the outhouse door. If there's 10,000 people coming here, the door's gonna be right off the outhouse. Ah, harold, it'll be a one-hour event. Get them in, get the money, get them out. The love of money is the root of all evil. The lack of money is the root of most problems. How much do you think I'd get for my baby huey bed? 25 bucks. Really? $50 if they don't know it's yours. [ zip! ] we're out here by the main highway at humphries everything store to talk to the man who knows everything there is to know about auctions, dalton humphries. And dalton has kindly agreed to donate for the auction a whole busload full of his finest wares. Oh, and a bus. Oh, yeah, take that, too. Take it all. It's yours. Oh, my gosh. Well, this will have to be our featured item at the auction. It was gonna be moose thompson's box spring and mattress, but not now. Well, you know, I hate to give away anything for free. [ laughs ] no kidding. And this whole bus is just chockablock full of valuable items. You know, you might be interested in bidding on it yourself, red. Oh, no thank you, dalton. I'm gonna be sitting at the back of the room, counting the money. [ both laugh ] well, you know, that old barber chair that I had that you liked and you wanted to put it on the roof of your van 'cause you wanted a flying bridge? Is that in there? Oh, no, no, but there's a whole box of cranks that go on the side handle are in there. You know, they're -- holy smoke! What? Oh, well, there -- see, there -- there's a whole box full of, uh, must be nigh onto 50 brand-new paint-can lids in there that I wanted to hold on to 'cause I thought I might need sometime. They're right in -- you want them, take them back? Would you think less of me? No. I don't think that'd be possible. You know, I hope I'm doing the right thing, red, giving away all these cherished items. Well, if you're worried about it, dalton, why don't you do what they do at the big, fancy auctions? Huh? Put a reserve bid in on this. So if I don't get what I think it's worth... The whole busload comes back to you. There you go. You just tell me the minimum amount of money you'd be willing to take to get all this stuff off your hands. $5. Well, we can try it. [ tires screech ] this Saturday, the possum lake nudist club is holding its dinner dance. Dress is black tie only. Music -- oh, music by buck and the skin tones. "due to mishaps last year, "we will not be having the limbo dance or serving fondue. And the barbecue grills will be at chest height." as you know, we're well into our dream-home renovation project, and, uh, now it's time to start looking at furniture. And that's where mike here comes in. Well, you know, everybody likes antiques, mr. Green, right? But to fill a house full of antiques, I mean, you need a major bankroll, right? Yeah. Unless you know where to get stuff cheap, but, uh, I don't hang out with those guys anymore, you know? Oh, I know. Good for you, mike. That's a condition of my parole. Yeah. So, uh -- so today we're gonna be distressing furniture. All right, distressing furniture. This is where you -- you refinish, uh, antiquing using -- what is it? Chains, uh, rocks, hammers. You know, abusing this furniture is gonna make it look older and more valuable. Boy, furniture up here at the lodge must be worth a fortune. Now, uh, you take this table here. You see, if it was new, it'd probably cost you about 100 bucks, right? This looks like your prison lunch table here. Well, yes, it is, actually. But, you see, it's already got character in it already, you see. It's probably because of that. See, you got the scuff marks on the legs, and you got your coffee rings here and there. There's a nice coffee ring there. Oh, yeah. So, like, uh, people are gonna be wondering -- you know, it makes people wonder who put those marks on there, right? Well, I'm guessing you did. Possibly. Possibly. But, you see, now, uh, with the character and age and beauty that it's already amassed, it's probably worth about 150 bucks as-is right now. Wow. You know, and I'll bet there's some gum underneath there, too. Oh, yeah, it's about the size of a beehive down here. Wow. Boy, you sure got an eye for antiques, mr. Green. Now, we're gonna put some more history and age into it to make it really worth something. Well, look out now, okay? Okay. Boy, this brings back memories. Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Take it easy. Take it easy. Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, it's probably worth about $250 now, wouldn't you say? Boy, if he improves it much more, I'm not gonna be able to afford the insurance. Yeah. Now, one more blow ought to make it priceless. Well, uh... I'm really sorry, mr. Green. Oh, yeah. What would it be worth now, mike, would you say? Uh, about 25 bucks a cord. So much for auctions. So, how was the turnout? I-it looked to be less than 10,000. It was -- it was half of 10,000. Oh, 5,000. The first half of 10,000. 10? Yeah. Disaster, harold -- disaster. Ha ha! First item to come up was a cast-iron merry-go-round. Some goof bid 5 cents delivered. And he lived in scotland. I heard junior singleton got in the spirit of things, though. He bit $4 on an old, rusty card table that he donated himself. [ laughs ] yeah, that's true. And buster hadfield had all those antique plates. He was hoping to get $5,000 from a collector. He got a dime from the skeet-shooting club. The feature item sold well, though. It was a busload of dalton's, you know, "collectibles." [ laughs ] well, the bid was six bucks, harold, but the guy withdrew it when he saw there was a scratch on the back bumper. I'll tell you, people are so cheap. I think they're just being careful with their money, you know -- a lesson you could learn. Yeah, well, I'll keep that in mind on your next payday, harold. Well -- well, basically, then, you did all that work and you sent all those flyers, and yet you sold -- ah! -- Nothing. Well, no, that's not true. The guy that bought the two-legged milk stool from old man sedgwick -- he brought it with him. He got up. He auctioned it off for $150. You see? These guys from the city -- they know what they're doing. You can't compete with that. [ screeching ] oh, it's meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be down in a while. [ screeching continues ] if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'm bringing a little treat -- an antique two-legged milk stool. It was expensive, but if people from the city can have nice things, so can we. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. Until next time, on behalf of harold and myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] all rise! All rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Now I must make -- don't look. I have a presentation for red... Red: If you'd like to become a member of possum lodge and you got three bucks to blow, you can either mail it to the address here on the screen or dial 1-800-ypossum.